Neil Hamburger is better than Radiohead
How about that King Of Limbs album, huh? Magical, right? Suuuuuuurre.
Y’know what is magical? Neil Hamburger’s hair. And his rumpled suit. And his Twitter wars. And pretty much every Youtube clip he’s in.
We’ll start taking Thom seriously when he can give it to Courtney Love like this:
Until then, Neil Hamburger will always be better than Radiohead.
Juggalos are better than Radiohead
Say what you will about Juggalos, and I will… Y’know how when you see someone stub their toe and you can tell it really hurts but it’s still really funny because it wasn’t you? Yeah, well, “life” is the one laughing at Juggalos as they perpetually stub their toes through it.
For all their fetal alcohol syndrome faces and their shallow gene pool, the Juggalos of the Insane Clown Posse have one thing Radiohead will never have — an unflinching, totally simple, borderingly retarded loyalty to their band.
Sure, Radiohead fans looove their band. And sure there are some nerds so devoted that they’ll sit there and try to dissect the secret messages contained in”Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors.” But truthfully, that will never match the commitment of painting your face and saying “I. Am. Juggalo.”
Because when you say “I Am Juggalo” you’re basically saying, “I realize I’m a failure in life.” Yet, Juggalos still do their thing. That dedication in the face of the universe essentially pissing in their faces is admirable. And for that, Juggalos will always be better than Radiohead.
Mittens are better than Radiohead
There’s snow and slush and that cover of Kid A and that kooky horn section in “The National Anthem” all conspiring to bring the chills. And let’s face it, no amount of immaculate sonic tinkering from Ed O’Brien is going to keep you warm inside when your nose is running because it’s -4 and your hands are jammed deep into your pockets because the weatherman blew it and you totally underdressed.
I’ll tell you what will though — mittens . It could be fancy sealskin ones, knitted ones, cutesy ones with skulls on them, those ones that are like Transformers that also convert into gloves… it doesn’t matter. Humming along to “I Will” won’t provide the same melty relief as those glorious hand sacks when Mother Nature is blowing her bitch cold all over your freezing digits .
You’ll put them on and be like, “Oh look, my hands are warm. Thanks mittens, you are totally better than Radiohead.”
Yeah it was tragic when Jeff Buckley decided to go for an emo swim and all, but really, did he ever leave us with anything as good as “Street Spirit”? No. If the best you’ve got is a Leonard Cohen cover and some whining, well, you should head off for a dip in the deep dark.
It’s a good thing the ‘Heads don’t care much for fashion though (frankly, they look like bowling alley employees), because there’s one fashion accoutrement that band will never match — Wicked Belt Buckles.
I guess if you’re looking for something to define your personality, sure, you could walk around all day blasting Kid A out of your iPhone. But that would be mostly kind of lame. Far more awesome would be if you’ve got a converted Andre The Giant surrounded in bronze holding your pants up. Or if you had one of those bitchin’ scorpions encased in amber. Or a classic like some sort of animal skull.
‘Cause nothing says, “I’m hot, I’m dangerous, and check out my reproductive area” quite like a super-awesome belt buckle that you can wear all the time, anywhere.
We’ll give it to you that occasional Radiohead listening sessions can be great. But when you find that right belt buckle and you’re strutting around thrusting your pelvis in everyone’s face because your. crotch. area. is. just. that. amazing, well, there’s no doubt: in the real world a really wicked belt buckle is way better than Radiohead.
So you’re sitting in your room, headphones on, listening to “Bodysnatchers” and marveling at how amazing it is when that crazy space noise kicks in and it actually sounds like an alien abduction. And you know The Smashing Pumpkins never came up with something so wicked.
That’s pretty much “well, DUH,” but Radiohead are far from the masters of layering. That designation goes to all those unsung artists toiling in the back kitchens of sports bars, local pubs and faux Mexican restaurants who lovingly craft Well-Layered Nachos.
Really, Colin Greenwood can come up with all the kooky sounds he wants, but the feeling you get from hearing those sounds is never going match that feeling where just when you thought you’ve decimated all the cheese, jalapenos and salsa that got gooped on top of your nachos, there it is — BAM — a whole other layer of cheese, beans, onion and whathaveyou carefully inserted deep in your tortilla chip mount. That’s not about managing sound effects, that’s about true master craftsmanship and care for humanity.
Without such well-crafted foodstuffs the world would be a far poorer place. There can be no doubt that Well-Layered Nachos are better than Radiohead.
In a world where Radiohead and Cat Power were two major deities, Radiohead would be, like, whoever’s fourth or fifth in command — like Apollo or something — and Cat Power would be one of those lesser footnote gods that’s only worshipped by one-eyed old ladies in a couple hopeless villages (Chan Marshuvius, goddess of random tears and whoa, you need to chill). So yeah, there’s little doubt that Radiohead are better than Cat Power.
But there’s a different cat whose neutered genital leavings Phil Selway wouldn’t deserve to have shoved up his nostrils as an act of devotion — Basement Cat.
Weird fishes, bears, sardines? Really? That’s all you’ve got Radiohead? Basement Cat has his OWN BIBLE. Not to mention his own army of darkness, a reckless disregard for spelling, and fucking EBEL POWERS.
Clearly, Basement Cat is better than Radiohead.