Mittens are better than Radiohead
There’s snow and slush and that cover of Kid A and that kooky horn section in “The National Anthem” all conspiring to bring the chills. And let’s face it, no amount of immaculate sonic tinkering from Ed O’Brien is going to keep you warm inside when your nose is running because it’s -4 and your hands are jammed deep into your pockets because the weatherman blew it and you totally underdressed.
I’ll tell you what will though — mittens . It could be fancy sealskin ones, knitted ones, cutesy ones with skulls on them, those ones that are like Transformers that also convert into gloves… it doesn’t matter. Humming along to “I Will” won’t provide the same melty relief as those glorious hand sacks when Mother Nature is blowing her bitch cold all over your freezing digits .
You’ll put them on and be like, “Oh look, my hands are warm. Thanks mittens, you are totally better than Radiohead.”
Yeah it was tragic when Jeff Buckley decided to go for an emo swim and all, but really, did he ever leave us with anything as good as “Street Spirit”? No. If the best you’ve got is a Leonard Cohen cover and some whining, well, you should head off for a dip in the deep dark.
It’s a good thing the ‘Heads don’t care much for fashion though (frankly, they look like bowling alley employees), because there’s one fashion accoutrement that band will never match — Wicked Belt Buckles.
I guess if you’re looking for something to define your personality, sure, you could walk around all day blasting Kid A out of your iPhone. But that would be mostly kind of lame. Far more awesome would be if you’ve got a converted Andre The Giant surrounded in bronze holding your pants up. Or if you had one of those bitchin’ scorpions encased in amber. Or a classic like some sort of animal skull.
‘Cause nothing says, “I’m hot, I’m dangerous, and check out my reproductive area” quite like a super-awesome belt buckle that you can wear all the time, anywhere.
We’ll give it to you that occasional Radiohead listening sessions can be great. But when you find that right belt buckle and you’re strutting around thrusting your pelvis in everyone’s face because your. crotch. area. is. just. that. amazing, well, there’s no doubt: in the real world a really wicked belt buckle is way better than Radiohead.